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The models in the GQ magazines I hoarded told me being “perfect” meant looking perfect, and after I got older and realized that, no matter how much weight I lost or muscle I gained, I didn’t have those exact features, I decided that getting a man who did was the next best thing. I used to joke that I had a Barbra Streisand- Funny Girl complex, and I needed a gorgeous Nicky Arnstein-type to confirm my worth. It might have been less of a joke than I realized. Jim, the man I spent a year with in my 30s, fit the Playbill. We met in a show where I played a geeky florist and he played a muscleman who stripped down to his jockstrap with the sole purpose of making audiences swoon and dole over ticket money. He wasn’t much of an actor, and I was damn serious about the craft. Despite our “monogamous” relationship, he slept with other men because he needed to “experiment” with his newfound homosexuality, and he broke up with me one night on the phone (less than a month after asking to move in together), because he’d meditated and decided we were moving in different spiritual directions. Our differing philosophies never would have made for lifelong togetherness.
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Instead, I agonized over the split for about a year and then spent another several years coming to terms with the realization that it was the idea of Jim, not the man himself, that broke me.ĭuring our time together I had a guy so physically attractive it could only mean that I was the same-and, therefore, worthy. If there were aesthetic disparities between the two of us that was even better because it proved my personality was so strong he couldn’t resist me.
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We showed up everywhere together, and were treated like the king and king of the prom.